You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
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Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’