BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
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Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion