No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
yes… yes…
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.