I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
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Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
They’re the worst 😩
definitely did not do anything wrong
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.