Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
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From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here