Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
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If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!