Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
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My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen