Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
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[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired