[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
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My sex drive has a dui
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.