Doug is just Canadian for dog
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This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Smile they said.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you