My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
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Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
What?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
🐕🍷
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Leaving the Barbers like
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all