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You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Good advice.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod