“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
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*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Oh the world we live in…
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.