God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
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When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero