ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
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“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My boss called in sick of me
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.