I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
You Might Also Like
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
All generalizations are stupid.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.