Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
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[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?