[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.