If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
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Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob