convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
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Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB