cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
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this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok