[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Discuss
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*