HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
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Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.