[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
B
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
so, is there a mister shapen head
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend