[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
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doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
i hope my email finds you on fire
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.