Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
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American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
#NoRestForTheWicked
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem