Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.