shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
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I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair