2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
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-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
wtf is an acronym
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.