Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
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Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Salad is the decaf of food.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
when mom throws a party…
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.