I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
You Might Also Like
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.