Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
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Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Reporter: *ports again*
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.