(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
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A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
every. time.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.