In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
2022 will be better than 2021
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!