Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
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I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
get you a girl who
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army