Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
You Might Also Like
happy friday
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn鈥檛 talk.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it鈥檚 bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don鈥檛 know wtf you鈥檙e talking about
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
馃ぃdope
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
HIM: I鈥檓 sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn鈥檛.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
my first dose meeting my second
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Worst perfume name ever.