*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
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ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.