When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
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Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
🙋♀️
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”