If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Have kids, they said
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password ex…
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Science memes
“what that mouth do?” complain
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail