“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba