I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
translated into Canadian
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies