*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
You Might Also Like
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you鈥檝e been spending the last two years and if you鈥檝e learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Christmas cards are like, here鈥檚 a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don鈥檛 have to copy that part.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what鈥檚 the problem officer?
cop: it isn鈥檛 safe to eat and drive
me: oh I鈥檓 sorry
cop: I鈥檒l let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you鈥檙e not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it鈥檚 just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you鈥檙e saying I don鈥檛 meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.