Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve