If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
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Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Always the camel, never the toe.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.