[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
You Might Also Like
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*