Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
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At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Its a hippotatomus
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home