Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
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The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
The glory of fall.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
So glad we cleared that up
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
he’s doing your taxes
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!