I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
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Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
No way!
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Yup!
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.