I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
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Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)