When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
we’re dead?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before